found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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