is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
