I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
