well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
