I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize