i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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