I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
