Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
