I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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