You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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