His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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