Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
lol hangovers are for mortals.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
