my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
