If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so let's talk penis.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
