are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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