I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
