Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
