Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
