I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
