Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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