I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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