Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
