I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
