Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
