I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need a burrito and a hug.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
