he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
how drunk are you?
Several
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize