I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Houston, we have a blender
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
