God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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