So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
