good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
