My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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