Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
