the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
