I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
