I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
