The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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