hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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