I'm lost and stupid without you.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
