I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
