I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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