I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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