I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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