I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize