Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
