My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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