I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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