Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize