remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
