You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
