I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
