I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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