My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
