my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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