Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Let's paint friendship bongs
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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