That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I think I won the penis lottery.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
