I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
